I don't know about you, but whenever I come across a super clever and super funny tweet, I always have this moment where I think, "Damn, I really wish I'd thought of that first."
It only takes around 280 characters for these masters of observational comedy to make us feel like inferior beings, but that's just what the internet's for, right?
So here's an entire list of those people who beat us to the punch and came up with some of the funniest, most clever tweets possible.
Oh, were you in the hospital? I had no idea that's what those thirty Snaps were trying to tell me. Let me know if they ever figure out what's causing those deadly migraines. We're all rooting for you.
I feel like this is exactly how people who buy dehydrators go about their lives after making that worthwhile purchase. If you're going to drop $400 on something to make your fruit taste like leather, then you better be making leathery fruit every damn day.
Wow, I wonder why no one in town likes the girl who starts every morning by singing about how basic her neighbors are?
Knocking basically has the same energy as huffing and puffing: "I'm going to keep doing this until you either open that door or this house falls down, I ain't playing."
Things got even more confusing when hitchhikers decided to start popping up their middle finger to ask for a ride instead.
When you think about it, Peter really doesn't have any interest in using people's real names, and chooses instead to reduce them to the simplest, most hurtful terms possible.
Exhibit B: the Lost Boys. Nice way to remind them they aren't with their parents anymore.
Q doesn't belong between P and R like it's just another basic consonant. It needs to be in the grand finale of letters, rounding out the list with the other heavy hitters.
It's a wonder we don't talk about Oompa Loompas more often because they were pretty messed up when you think about it. I mean, whenever they saw a kid in peril they just started singing. They didn't actually try to help unless instructed by Wonka himself.
But I guess "helping" wasn't in their job description.
Imagine waking up from a lil' nappy nap, only to find out you've literally transformed into an entirely different thing and oh, by the way, you can fly now.
Flashback to me in the fifth grade, fighting with my siblings over whose turn it was was to go wake mom up and tell her we missed the bus.
I once saw a sign that said "Fine For Swimming" but it turns out it wasn't fine to swim there at all.
This tweet pairs perfect with this tweet:
"I can't believe they melted an entire iceberg just to get this lettuce."
I also happen to enjoy wrestling with the pans in that drawer below the oven until I end up throwing everything on the ground just to get out one single cookie sheet.
Back in the olden days when people actually liked clowns and even had favorites, I'm sure this little line absolutely torched anyone who heard it.
This was also my go-to technique while writing those exams where the professor clearly stated they wanted your essay to be six pages long, and you knew you only had enough information stored inside your head for like, three pages, tops.
Look, I can't explain it, but I'm way nicer to ladybugs than any other insect that happens to crawl its way onto my body.
I never realized I actually have favorites when it comes to bugs but here we are.
I mean, the uncle could've easily get the ruse going and taken her money, but I guess he couldn't bring himself to do it since she was being so nice.
Hopefully, nobody else in that family uses Twitter though...
After all, nothing encapsulates the jarring feeling of an AI following up a tender ballad with a brutal black metal song like sliding around on the results of freezing temperatures the day after some heavy rain.
That's probably why one of the good professors I had reassured us that we wouldn't have to "revive a corpse" in his labs.
Those are the words of someone who has seen class after class of anxious students.
Seriously, this whole thread is worth a read and honestly does seem like what would happen if The Santa Clause started with a disgruntled postal worker instead of an injured Santa.
Nothing encourages me to eat healthier like realizing how much it would cost to have someone bring me McDonald's.
Sure, I could go myself, but, you know, effort. Nah...
I guess it's hard to argue with this if you'd willingly buy a product that called you an idiot for using it, though.
I mean, lots of people like dogs, turtles, and listening to sad music. It's not hard to believe that at least one of them would be a flat earther.
Besides, it's not the Slytherin House's fault that the founders of Hogwarts didn't see any problem with making one house way more obviously evil (sorry, "ambitious") than the others.
If nothing else, at least the weird looks we'll get when we try to imitate the noises dial-up internet made will be mildly entertainment.
That's totally worth the years we spent in the digital dark ages, right?
Perhaps in another life, we'd be telling our roommates to feed the kittlebix and take out the garobads.
Maybe in that parallel universe, we finally have world peace.
If my dad didn't have such an irrational hatred of tattoos, I could totally see him going to such extreme lengths for a dad joke.
After all, have you ever heard someone rant about Jesus or whatever else in the streets and thought, "Wow, these are totally good and not at all insane points. I better change my worldview completely?"
"Also, let's make sure they inexplicably never have the same ratio of lids to containers because we're Tupperware makers and this is the kind of chaotic evil we live for."
Try watching that scene where all the runaway boys turn into terrified, hee-hawing donkeys begging for their moms and tell me if you still feel the same away about this magical Disney creation.
Bond doesn't have to worry about struggling with knobs or temperatures. He's 007, for crying out loud. That was all part of his training.
I guess this means that one day I'm going to wake up as Pennywise the Clown and I'm not sure I'm really ready for that.
