12+ Tweets For People Who Know What’s Up

I hate seeing people out on a run first thing in the morning as I crawl into Starbucks for my morning triple espresso. Stop making everyone else feel bad, or get a treadmill at least so no one else can see you!

Christ, I'm now just thinking about how much of an amazing holiday you could have for $20, 000. I mean, just think about how much Guinness you could buy for that?

"So you need this money for..."

"Essentials, yes."

"What is that dinging sound in the background?"

"Definitely not a pinball machine if that's what you're thinking."

"Verily, I doth hate your ride, it offends thine lover's eyes!"

"I bite my thumb at you sir, and those foully formed webs you wear!"

Now, this is a poltergeist remake that I can get on board with! I'd love to see a priest trying to exorcise them only for the ghost to just start screaming, spinning around, and vomiting Nokia flip phones.

You know what, you were right to beat them, it is necessary! If you can't use Mario kart to teach our kids about how you will sometimes loose in life, then what's the point of becoming a parent?

I think that we should impose a law where when anyone says "hear ye, hear ye" that everyone nearby has to be quiet and take notice; and, if the thing that the person says isn't interesting enough to have warranted the hear ye, then they can have eggs and rotten fruit thrown at them.

If you and your partner aren't enjoying slow-cooked ribs together at 3am every now and then, then you aren't doing relationships right.

At what point do you just give up and keep calling him Steve, there's no harm in it really. Well, it's incredibly rude, but what the heck!

But if they give money to the needy, how are they supposed to live like victorian kings and queens? It's just unreasonable quite frankly.

The weekend is the time to relax and do nothing, because... well, just stop doing things and making the rest of us feel bad okay?

Nothing can melt a belligerent father's heart quite like a surprise puppy or kitten. They will be building that animal intricate houses and forts before you can say "I don't want a cat."

My favorite is the bottom left, and I have no idea why. What is your favorite? Let me know in the comments and stop pretending like you don't have one!

I mean, you can still treat yourself like this, I guess, if you really want? Can't say it would help though!

The first time that you see your college or university professors drunk in a bar is the moment you realize that higher education was maybe not the best choice, but the right one!

I mean, if you make that call and it isn't right, you are going to look like an absolute fool.

The inverse of this is also true ⏤ hence why in my university flat, the bin was just a giant pile of trash in the middle of the kitchen.

Next time you see your best friend, why not show them how much you really love them by peeing. They may appear to be uncomfortable, but deep down they'll know you truly love them.

Some people are just born to lead, and this is one of those men. I can only hope that I will be as big of an inspiration to my children in the future.

It's perfectly natural to flash your torch around in the dark. It is important to make sure that Ted Cruz isn't lurking in any dark corners, waiting to drain your life force as you sleep!