14+ People Who Are Speaking Our Language

I've already decided to totally dismiss 2020 from my life. As far as I'm concerned, 2019 moved right into 2021. There was definitely no period in between when the world was pretty much lit on fire and time ceased to exist.

Nope, didn't happen.

I wish I'd found out about this strategy sooner because I could have saved myself a lot of time and energy.

Y'all would have been wiped out like the damn dinosaurs.

And if they yawn, you have to say, "Awh, somebody's sleepy!"

These are the rules of our society. You must obey them.

I don't even know three people.

Please just give me a job. I need money for food and stuff.

Look at that handsome boy getting ready to take his handsome pills so he can become even more handsome.

This is the kind of content I expect from the internet.

That's it, that's the timeline of the world. There was a fish who got curious about the dry part of the planet, and now I have to sit in a conference room for an hour while someone in a tie talks at me.

My go-to would usually be an automatic, "Good, how are you?" but I'm pretty tired of lying anymore.

Let's face it: none of us are good.

I used to think that maybe I could have changed my life for the better by just making one decision differently.

But I now believe I was always destined to be an awkward loser. Can't change fate, am I right?

I say this to my boyfriend whenever I run out of his hoodies to wear. Your clothes are our clothes, and we need more clothes.

Also, I think it's beautiful they're now referring to the "jungle" as a "garden." That shows real personal growth.

That's always a nice ego bruise, isn't it? Thinking you're going to take a nice picture of something and instead being treated to a close-up picture of your unsuspecting, stupid face.

Thanks, iPhone.

Sure, maybe they'd be a little creeped out at first. But after you calmly explained to them why you needed so many pictures of them snoozing in a sunbeam or catching some z's in your lap, I'm sure they'd be O.K. with it.

Probably.

My boyfriend hates my big purse, but as soon as he doesn't want to hold his water bottle anymore or wants me to sneak us some snacks into the movie theater, suddenly it's the greatest thing on earth.

Typical.

I have a feeling a lot of middle aged white men might feel personally offended by this tweet but I stand by it. I said what I said.

Or, I guess, she said what she said.

It's always right after you tell someone you're going to bed that you come across something funny online. But if you even think about liking it, they're going to be on you so quickly you'll think they're the damn FBI catching you in the act.

Friends be like that.

I will only drink orange pekoe with exactly two teaspoons of sugar and one tablespoon of cream.

Absolutely any other kind of tea or tea-related combination is simply unacceptable. I'm sorry, but you won't be able to change my mind about this one.

My body: we need...fruits...and veggies...

Me: Did you say nachos?

Obviously they put all their energy that would normally go into "customer service" into making their food taste incredible instead.

Easily 5/5 stars.

It's been too long. My body is too used to living without its boob cage. We can't go back to the way things were before.

We just have to move forward, and leave our bras behind.

Babies do not care about anything and they just do what they want when they want. I really admire them for that.

Until they start crying, at which point it's like, what do you have to cry about? Honestly?