16+ Hilarious Tweets From Women Who Know Just What To Say

That's why as soon as things even remotely start to wrap up, I am out of there. I don't even stick around to wave at people anymore. Is it rude? Yes. 100%.

But I absolutely refuse to be the last one left in the call awkwardly smiling at the host while I fumble with my mouse to try and hit "end".

If I'm ever in a situation where I'm forced to pick a karaoke song (God forbid), I know which ones I'm definitely not going to choose.

Top of the list? "American Pie." Yeah, I'll pass on trying to keep the audience's attention through all 20 verses.

The quickest way to ruin any stroll outside is to come across a man. I guarantee your mood will drop instantly and you'll regret ever leaving your home the second they try to talk to you.

I used to think Jeopardy was the lamest game show on TV. I was young. I was naive. Now I understood just how great it is.

After all, the word pardy is in there for a reason.

I can clearly remember circling them in the Sears catalogue and begging my mom to buy them for me because I was convinced these clunky, chunky shoes were the key to my success in life.

I was already actively avoiding going out for drinks before the world shut down. You think I want to spend $40 on two shots while some sweaty, middle-aged man in a golf tee tries to talk to me?

Nah nah nah. I've got alcohol at home, thanks.

The second I've plopped myself down on the couch with an iced coffee and plugged that bad boy into the wall? That's when I'm ready to start talking to people again.

I like to tell myself I'm only going to spend x amount of money this month, and then spend three times that amount.

Why? You tell me.

It's melting mozzarella cheese over some nacho chips and convincing yourself you'll be fine, even though history has proven you most certainly will not be fine.

Sitting here right now, I can taste that bland, flavorless ice cream that always just ended up taking on the flavor of the damn spoon.

Remind me why we liked these so much?

I miss those moments before the movie starts when you're watching upcoming movie trailers and after each one you and your friend become film critics and you tell each other whether you think it's worth seeing or not.

Hello, anyone who wants to make a splash on Shark Tank — I think I've just found the big idea you've been looking for.

I guarantee any prospective employers will be ten times as impressed by this fact than they will be about your proficiency at Photoshop.

Honestly, at this point in my life I've already accepted that there's no point in fighting myself anymore.

"I'll take every box of every cookie you have, please."

Hey, it's for a good cause, right?

When I watched this movie as a kid, I was terrified of this man and spent the whole movie wondering what Maria could possibly see in him.

As an adult, I now understand completely.

I like to end each and every day by lying awake in bed while reliving every decision I've ever made, everything I've said, and everything I will have to do or say in the near future.

It's sort of like counting sheep, but terrible.

At this point in my life I'm just at a total loss so I think it's time I extend the query out to everyone else, just in case someone knows something I don't.

I can vividly remember falling out of a tree when I was a kid, and then getting up and chasing my brother through our backyard afterwards.

Now I can't stretch wrong or I'll end up alternating between ice and heat for the next three days.

I'm pretty much over every single radio advertisement, Facebook post, and TV commercial reminding me how these are "unprecedented times".

Like, we get it.

The other day I spent like, five hours fully believing it was still March before I realized that year had already passed.

Time doesn't exist anymore.